Thursday, March 5, 2015

What's Your Super Power?

A little throw back Thursday...

Why would I go and waste a perfectly great fart and blame the dog?  It doesn't make sense, be loud, be proud of what you have created!
Yup, that's right, I love to fart and I am proud of my farts, always have been, however, when I was younger I was shy (yeah I know, you don't believe me, but I was) and farting was something that was viewed as obscene and nasty and I should never, ever do it in public.  Now you know why you see people walking around the streets with a look on their faces like they are hiding something, it's because they need to fart and they haven't embraced their inner Fart Child.  Embrace it my friends, embrace it!

Up until the age of fifteen, yes I was a late bloomer when it came to public farting, I was one of those people, walking along the halls at school, shopping at the mall or even watching a movie in the theater, holding in the farts, making mmyself look like I was guilty of stealing something.  Then one day, I let a fart slip in Caldor and it was like a weight was lifted off my shoulders, well more like off my lower abdomen.  I could concentrate on what I was looking for, I didn't have to be worried that someone thought I was up to something, I could just go on with my shopping.  It was great.

Some people can burp on command, that's nothing, I have the ability to fart on command.  My favorite game was and is Pull My Finger.  Syd Vicious loves playing that game with me.  This power has been handed down to me from both of my parents, my Mom would do the walking farts and Dad would be able to sit in his recliner and levitate about three inches.  With great power comes great responsibility though.
 I am forced to shield this power, to keep it contained in certain situations and to use it for good.  I have used it at water parks where I am climbing the fourteen story water slide (I paid $50 to get in here, multiple that by the thousands each day, put a freaking elevator in for shit's sake) and the person behind me was right on my ass and they kept bumping me with their inflatable tube.  I turned around and gave them the, "I just ate some greasy french fries, I'm loaded and not afraid to use it" look hoping they would get the hint before I had to release the beast and have them disintegrate before they hit the ground.  Bump!  Sorry sir, today just wasn't your day....

The power can be used to end a meeting.  You know the kind of meeting I'm talking about, you're all sitting around the table and you've covered everything important and then someone decides, now is the perfect time to discuss something totally irrelevant.  You look around the table and see the look of pain and torture on the faces of the hostages, you can feel their pain.  It is your duty to protect the innocent, like Iron Man you need to decide which weapon to use.  Will it be the loud, no doubt who did it door buster or maybe you should use the middle of the road squeaker?  You decide on the S.B.D. or silent but deadly fart.

Clenching your cheeks just enough to stimey the sound, you eek the fart out.  It's only a matter of a few seconds until the full stench reaches the open air and then someone gets that look of "what died in here?" and promptly excuses everyone from the rest of the meeting.  You are a hero, yet you did not reveal your identity.

I need to come clean though, I have strayed off the righteous path for a time and I was tempted by evil.  I was driving my car with my friends in it.  Everyone has that one friend who is considered a friend but is annoying as all hell (right now my friends from younger times are wondering if they were that friend).  This friend would not shut the hell up about whatever he was spewing out of his pie hole.  After about twenty minutes of nonstop gibberish, I had had it.  There comes a time where it is not longer the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, but you need to unleash holy hell on the entire group, innocents and all.

When you are in a car, you can just let a fart rip, the cushioned seats and the road noise muffle the sound, so I fired away.  Once the smell had reached my nostrils I knew it was time for Phase 2 of the plan.  I quickly locked the windows and turned the heat on full blast.  Unfortunately, two out of the three other people riding in my car that day suffered the consequences.  It was a necessity and a victory, despite the minor loss of two friends.

I have passed along my power to one of my Minions.  #3 has already taken the torch and is running with the power, we just need to steer him on the good path and not let him stray.  Again, if we ever have a shortage of natural gas, you can just shove a pipeline up #3's ass and we will be supplied for years.

So. remember my faithful Minion Followers, it's OK to fart in public, if you are self conscious about it you can do the "wander around looking at things until the coast is clear" maneuver or yes, you can blame the kids, no one ever condemns a child for passing gas, just be sure to switch to S.B.D. mode, the noise gives you away.

Oh and I forgot, it is OK to fart in church.  I've done it several times, mostly at weddings...on the alter... The place will not fall down, so when you hear the phrase "...went over like a fart in church" you can tell people that you actually did fart in a church and it went over just fine.  Now, you can use the phrase "...went over like a fart in a space suit." to replace the church line, I'm sure that farting in a space suit would not be a good thing....

3 comments:

  1. I must now forward this post to my teen son as he clearly needs this affirmation! (No, he doesn't, but I love to hear him laugh!)

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  2. Wow, absolutely fantastic blog. I am very glad to have such useful information.

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